


you get me closer to god.

by simmilarly



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/M, Hurt Buffy Summers, Song: Closer (Nine Inch Nails), Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:34:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23845306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simmilarly/pseuds/simmilarly
Summary: A glimpse into Buffy's mind during her little affair with Spike. Set some point before that shower scene (season six). Inspired by "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails.
Relationships: Spike & Buffy Summers, Spike/Buffy Summers
Kudos: 12





	you get me closer to god.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback is welcome!

Raw. Animalistic. Wild.

Buffy knew to expect nothing different from any of their couplings, for lack of a better word. That word felt wrong on her tongue, maybe too old of a name for the activity, but what else could she call it? Intercourse felt too much like high school biology. Mating felt too permanent. Fucking could work, maybe, but even that felt too tame. 

It wasn’t making love, not by a long shot; there was no love there, at least, not on her end. All she wanted was to feel something, anything, even if it was the painful pleasure she had grown accustomed to in the arms of the vampire. And though she didn’t think his reasons for pursuing this were the same as hers, she wanted to believe that it wasn’t for any romantic purposes either. He was affectionate sometimes, sure, but that had to be all. 

How do you love without a soul? 

Her relationship with Angel had been different. He had a soul when they first became involved, even if he did seem to lose it now and then. Parker and Riley had been humans, thus souled, though she sometimes pretended that Parker lacked one despite his human status. But Spike was something else altogether. 

She remembered that he claimed he was in love with her, a claim he kept repeating, but she rejected it every time. There was no possible way it was love, or that’s what she kept telling herself. His actions, for the most part, were consistent with the emotion; the ease with which he gave up the Buffybot, the way he cared for her sister, how deeply he mourned her when she had died, the way he gave up all he knew to help her and hers fight whatever evil was the flavor of the day. Who knows? Maybe he _thought_ he was in love with her, but she knew he wasn’t capable of the emotion on its deepest level. 

Wouldn’t their relationship be different if it _was_ love? If he loved her, would there have been more tender touches, eye gazing, that kind of thing? She and Angel had done stuff like that, and so had she and Riley, to some degree. She and Spike didn’t do any of that, and she didn’t think they ever would. All they could do was break down houses and make her feel very, very dirty. 

No, even if he did love her, love wasn’t what she required from him. And if he did love her, or perhaps _because_ he did, he seemed to know that. She needed the raw, animalistic, wild sex she was getting from those romps, and he relished giving her what she needed. The give and take dynamic they had adopted worked both ways; he gave her something to feel, and she gave him her company. That was enough, was it not?

It had to be. Their interactions were the only things that had any effect on her whatsoever; not slaying, not her sister, not her friends. Just Spike. 

He did always know how to get a rise out of her.

And truth be told, it was nice to be able to escape the crushing desolation that had made its home in her head, even if just for a moment or two. In his tight embrace, if she squeezed her eyes shut until there were flashes of color brightening the dark, she could pretend she was back in heaven, if only for a moment. 

But when she opened her eyes again, she felt every emptiness in her body multiplied by ten, growing bigger until it slowly drowned her in its darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> My whole existence is flawed  
> You get me closer to God


End file.
